Chairman Meow Says: Apparently there haz been some confusion as 2 what iz a kitteh, and what iz not a kitteh. (Perhaps iz due in part to recent Fox News segment entitled, “Possums: Are They Just Liberal Cats?”)
In any event Please allow Great Teacher Chairman Meow to clear up confusion.
Hmmm… It this a kitteh?
First, if perceived “kitteh” haz long nose & sharp teeth, wings, or more than 4 legs, animal may not be kitteh. Here iz approved diagram of what standard kitteh looks like:
The Canis Minor constellation dates back to the 2nd century, and is recognized as one of the 88 modern constellations. The Latin name translates to, “lesser dog,” and Chairman Meow couldn’t agree more.
You see, this constellation, advertised as some kind of fluffy dog, consists of only two stars, meaning that whoever named it and imagined it to be a dog was smoking something a lot stronger than catnip.
Here is the Canis Minor Constellation:
Not seeing the dog? Here’s an artist’s rendition of what you should be seeing:
Still not seeing it? Perhaps this helpful diagram will show you how to connect those (two) dots to get the dog shape:
Not seeing the dog shape?
Perhaps it would clarify things to also include the handful of stars underCanis minor, which then clearly resembles a dog riding on the back of a flying unicorn:
Funny, I always saw those 12 stars as a dog riding on the back of a unicorn flying over a credenza… not a drafting desk. But, I guess there is a little wiggle room for personal interpretation there.
Join Chairman Meow’s Boycott of Canis Minor Constellation
Felis the Cat constellation
Canis minor somehow survived through the millennia, while superior animals like the sabre-tooth tiger and reasonable constellations like Felis the Cat were lost to history.
A tomcat named after Alexander Hamilton – Rumor has it that founding father Alexander Hamilton was a bit of a dog when it came to the ladies. Actually, you could say he was more of a tomcat; or at least George Washington’s wife, Martha, thought so.
That’s apparently why Martha Washington named their feral tomcat “Hamilton,” after Alexander and his reputation as a woman-chaser.
Actually, this historical rumor is mentioned in the Broadway show Hamilton, and explained in a tweet by creator Lin Manuel Miranda:
@drewsclues825 Martha Washington once named a feral tomcat after him, because both he n the cat went prowling for ladies on the reg.
Hamilton (“A Winter’s Ball”) Lyrics Mention Martha Washington Naming Her Feral Cat After Him
[all men] Ladies!
Aaron Burr “There are so many to deflower…
[all men] Ladies!
Looks! Proximity to power …
They delighted and distracted him. Martha Washington named her feral tomcat after him!”
Hamilton “That’s true!”
Curiosity Killed Hamilton’s Quest to Be President
“When the sword is once drawn, the passions of men observe no bounds of moderation.” – Alexander Hamilton
(Ummm… double entendre?) It was apparently Alexander’s curiosity with the ladies (and not observing the “bounds of moderation”) that killed his political career, which was derailed when he admitted to a lengthy affair with a married woman in the “Reynold’s Pamphlet“ of 1797.
Although Hamilton did seem to always land on his feet, he apparently didn’t have 9 lives like his feline namesake. In 1804 he was killed in a famous duel with Aaron Burr.
Although not much is known about the Washington’s cat, Hamilton, bones found around Mt. Vernon confirm that cats were present at the time.
Hercules Mulligan & Other Ideas for “Revolutionary” Cat Names
Looking for a good cat name? The names of historical figures (and NFL players) are often a good resource for potential cat names. While Alexander Hamilton is good choice, I can’t but help think that Hercules Mulligan(an Irish spy for George Washington) might be the best cat name produced by the Revolutionary War.
AP: Kim Jong Un Threatens Cats With Giant Space-Laser – In what appears to be retaliation after a recent alliance between Lenin Cat and Chairman Meow, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un warned that he has obtained a “giant space-laser,” saying:
“The kitteh can not resist the laser beam. I have personally instructed my scientists to create a huge frickin’ laser beam in space, capable of reaching every kitchen floor in America. When I deploy the laser, kittehs everywhere will be mere puppets of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea; helplessly chasing the dot until they collapse.”
North Korean state media then released this shocking, propaganda video, showing the terrifying power of the space laser:
Chairman Meow Responds to Laser Attack Warning
Immediately after receiving the threat of a space-laser attack from North Korea, Chairman Meow issued the following statement:
As leader of the Glorious Kitteh Revolution, I must protect kittehs from all threats; both foreign and domestic.
That is why I haz already ordered mass-production of special scientific glasses that will protect the kitteh against the terrifying, hypnotic power of the space-laser:
I urge all kittehs to wear these protective glasses until further notice, and the threat is over. But, fear not comrades; I will blow up this “space laser,” but not before turning it on Mr. Un, so that I may give him a much-needed haircut.
You see, Mr. Un, you will never control the kitteh, because the kitteh is too clever. In fact, soon the Glorious Kitty Revolution will begin, and then you and your people will be mere slaves in Chairman Meow’s catnip fields.
Dear Chairman Meow, Is gold real money? – Janet, Washington, D.C.
Ah, thank you for your question, Janet. Chairman Meow is a very knowledgeable and observant cat with a healthy distrust for human governments. Allow him to teach you about a concept called, “entropy,” that is pervasive in our world, and tell you why it matters to your savings so that you may always provide a warm home and salmon treats for your kitty.
The Concept of Entropy
Entropy is the tendency of systems to move from order to disorder. Entropy is all around us. For examples of entropy, watch an ice cube melt in hot tea, or observe a burning campfire deteriorate into ash.
Chairman Meow is reminded of the movie Jurassic Park.
Do you remember when the obese, greedy, human turns off the security system for his own financial gain? The park quickly falls into disorder as the dinosaurs break out of their cages and start eating people.
After entropy takes hold, returning a system to its original state of order becomes difficult or impossible.
Humpty Dumpty & Entropy
The concept of entropy is also illustrated by the famous story of “Humpty Dumpty.”
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men Couldn’t put Humpty together again
You see, the corpulent anthropomorphic egg fell off the wall, and he landed with a sickening splat. He made a disorderly mess on the ground, and could not be reassembled, even by the most powerful figures (all the king’s horses and all the king’s men) in the land.
So, allow all-knowing Leader Chairman Meow explain how this relates to your money.
Entropy, Currency, & Gold
A system of currency (like the dollar or the Japanese Yen)not tethered to gold is subject to the laws of entropy; like a bike left outside in the rain, or a giant egg-man perched precariously on a wall. You see, when currency is not anchored to something of intrinsic value, it gradually deteriorates and falls into disorder because of entropic forces acting upon it.
While these entropic forces change over centuries, today they involve currency devaluation, interest rate manipulation, and stimulus efforts. Just read today’s economic headlines in the news and you’ll see entropy at work.
But, Why Is Gold Money?
Gold and silver have what is called, “intrinsic value” which means that humans and raccoons will always believe they are precious, and worth hoarding.
Under a gold standard, paper money was simply an IOU that could be redeemed for actual gold or silver at any time.
Gold is ideal as hard money because it’s easily measured, doesn’t deteriorate or rust, and can’t be reproduced or engineered in a lab. The world’s gold supply is consistent, and never increases by more than about 1% each year, even with all of the newly mined gold.
Because of this intrinsic value and stability, gold and silver served as the foundation of money for thousands of years.
(*The traditional gold standard was a simplistic system lacking the flexibility needed for the 21st Century, but at least it established a solid foundation for currency, and demanded collateral for debt)
A New Science of Alchemy?
Men called, “Alchemists” tried for many years to create gold from lead without success. (meanwhile, cats spent their time on more noble pursuits.)
However, if money couldn’t be created from base metals, then perhaps it could be created from paper, or even by computers?
Or, Janet, consider when Germany lost WWI and suspended the gold standard. Their paper “marks” soon became worthless as a result of hyperinflation due to their crushing debt, leading to the rise of Hitler.
A Starbucks tall latte would cost 20 billion German Marks!
However, as they say, “those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
In 1971 Richard Nixon formally took the U.S. off the gold standard, replacing the dollar’s tether to precious metals with a foundation of nothing but faith and trust in the U.S. government.
That’s also the year that Disney World opened to the public, charging $3.50 per ticket. Today that same 1-day park ticket will cost you over $100. Do you see where wise leader Chairman Meow is going with this, Janet?
You might say that August 15th, 1971 was the birthday of the monetary “Humpty Dumpty” we depend on today.
The Law of Entropy Suggests this Won’t End Well
Did president Nixon and the Federal Reserve succeed where alchemists had failed for centuries? Or, is something more valuable and tangible than faith needed to support a currency?
Perhaps an egg on a wall is a good metaphor for where we find our monetary system today. Even though the ability to create limitless debt has brought us growth, and even lifted us out of financial crisis, humanity will eventually learn that it is still subject to the laws of entropy and gravity.
So, Janet, when debt and stimulus finally reach their limits and Humpty falls, will all the king’s horses and all the king’s men be able to put Humpty back together again?
A Post-apocalyptic Future of Cat World-Rule?
Although Chairman Meow was looking forward to a 21st Century of flying cars, reasonably priced Disney tickets, and responsible central banks, it appears he will be disappointed. However, as they say, “in every failure their is an opportunity.”
While greedy men risk their future by amassing colossal debt, the kitteh simply watches and waits for his opportunity, and the dawn of the glorious Kitty Revolution…
Dear Glorious Leader Chairman Meow: who is Ceiling Cat? – Timmy, Austin TX
Thank you for your sincere, but slightly naive question, Timmy. Unlike your false digital idol, Siri, Chairman Meow has true knowledge of all things. Now, I will fumigate my wisdom of Ceiling Cat upon you.
Who Is Ceiling Cat?
Ceiling Cat is a divine kitteh who created the universe and looks down from the heavens upon us all, judging our actions. Ceiling cat is omnipresent and sees everything, including the sinful things that you do when you are alone on your laptop at night, Timmy.
In Genesis 1:1 of the lolcat bible it is written: “Oh hai. In teh beginning Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.”
Ceiling Cat vs. Basement Cat: An Eternal Struggle
basement cat wants ur soul
Ceiling Cat is the force of all that is good in the universe, and the source of all purring. Throughout all of time he must battle Basement Cat, an evil, black, subterranean cat similar to what humans call, “Satan.”
It is said in Sun Tzu’s Art of War that for any dictator to be successful, he must have effective surveillance, preferably from a celestial kitty looking down on the masses from the ceiling. Such is the essential role of Ceiling Cat in the Glorious Kitty Revolution. Ceiling Cat sees everything, even your thoughts.
“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.” – George Orwell
Ceiling Cat T-Shirts for Capitalist Pigs
Although Capitalism is inherently self-destructive, Chairman Meow believes that we must all make money in order to provide a proper home for our kittehs. How else could we enjoy a warm bed, catnip, and delicious fishy treats?
For this reason, Chairman Meow has commissioned his Minister of Propaganda to create t-shirts to honor Ceiling Cat, so that Capitalist Pigs may attain them and find happiness in acquiring material possessions.
*Like a furry Robin Hood, Chairman Meow provides coupons for greedy corporations like ProFlowers (get coupons) so that their profits may be diminished, and redistributed to the kitteh-owning masses.
So, Timmy, I hope you has learned many important things about Ceiling Cat today. Hopefully now you will live a more meaningful life supporting the Kitteh Revolution, and stop masturbating. – Chairman Meow has spoken.
Scientists: Are Cats Rapidly Evolving? – In a shocking press release today, Chairman Meow has provided scientific evidence that cats are evolving at a stunning pace.
The stunning photo (provided by Paula R.) clearly shows “Ophelia,” sitting upright like a human. Believing that she was not being observed, the kitty then reportedly picked up a nearby phone and made several phone calls before turning out the light and taking a nap.
Indisputable Evidence of Kitty Evolution
Scientists are astounded at this documentation, as it provides more hard evidence for the “Theory of Kitty Evolution” that has been gaining momentum and respect in the scientific community.
This recent documentation is just the latest in a series of photos and eye witness accounts from across the world that seem to support the revolutionary theory.
What’s Next? A Cat’s Musical?
One scientist believes that if this rapid evolution continues, the felines may begin to show human-like characteristics. He went so far as to commission an artistic rendering (see below) of where he believes this feline evolution will lead in the coming decades.
Conservatives attempt to discredit kitty evolution
Some people, including Delaware Tea Party Candidate Christine O’Donnell, have dismissed the theory of Kitty Evolution. However, many followers of Chairman Meow believe that it’s only a matter of time until the kitty rises up and takes what is rightfully his.